New Mother Thoughts

I'm feeling isolated from the outside world, okay, well not completely isolated, I keep up with the news and I know what's going on in the world, I just feel separate from it. Especially when it comes to my social life. I guess everyone is busy, school, work, I don't hear from friends as much. To be honest I think the surprise upon conceiving Emory caught me completely off guard and sometimes I still struggle with leaving behind a lifestyle where I was finally becoming a socialite. I was free no worries, no real responsibilities, and no obligations.

Although, I do find that lifestyle was a bit too toxic; I drank too much, smoked cigarettes, and spent money frivolously. In all honestly Emory is my little savior. I am the healthiest I have been in years. I guess I will always remember how easy it was to live in such a way but now I feel like I have something worth living for. I ADORE my son. I've been waking up with him every hour at night and nursing him while he suckles and waves his little hands in the air and restlessly wiggles his little fingers around my breast while he tries to fight off the sandman. I lay kisses on his little nose and he surrenders to the night and closes his eyes, slowly drifting to a sweet and soft slumber.

I am a total Mom. He's all I think about. I plan weekly meals and do weekly grocery shopping. I play raffi and sing nursery rhymes while I'm in the shower. We read Dr. Seuss and have tummy time. I bought Halloween decorations and plan on making every holiday as fun and special as possible.

Emz is asleep right now and just thinking about him I want to run in and kiss his wittle face and squeeeeeeze his chubbiness. But the view is about to be on and maybe I'll be able to catch a little bit of it before he wakes up.

We took Asia and Emory to Mt. Lemon yesterday. It was more of a trip for Asia than anyone else. We stopped at a creek so she could jump in and play, Kenneth ended up giving her a bit of a bath. She loves pouncing around in water and getting her feet wet.

We had a picnic in a beautiful grassy field. Emory was awake the whole time, he was so sweet and peaceful. I think he enjoyed the fresh mountain air.

I also really enjoyed nursing out in the open air. I'm so glad Kenneth got me out of the house. I'm becoming a recluse, but in a good way. I'm just enjoying my time with Emory soooo much. I wish I could be a stay at home Mom more than anything in the world. It's going to be so hard leaving my baby for more than a few hours. I'll probably cry my eyes out.

EEK

Emory was born Wednsday July 21st at 9:12 am. Eight hours of beautiful natural labor. I still can't believe I did it. Kenneth really guided me through all of it and I know it wouldn't have gone as well without his calm support. I met with God and immensed myself in a peaceful bright white light when the pain was so intense. It seriously feels like your going to die. Being mentally prepared is a must for natural labor. I'm glad I didn't let other peoples stories affect me. I'm going to be an advocate for natural child birth because it was seriously the most mind blowing experience one could ever have.

I love being a mom. I love only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep at night and hanging out with my little night owl just admiring how incredible he is. I love nursing him and listening to his slurps and gulps. I love squeezing his chunk rolls and kissing him all over. I love how he loves listening to his daddy talk. I love how asia is so gentle with him. I love my family.

The first monsoon storm came last night. Kenneth and I watched Wet Hot American Summer while the lightning dazzled and sparkled outside. The thunder began to roar as the lightning cracked its whip and slowly little droplets of rain could be heard on the window pane. As it picked up pace the rain began to wildly fall from the sky. We ran outside like little kids and marveled at the majestic beauty. Even Asia sat with us and smiled as we all let the rain mesmerize us with her beautiful arrival. The fireman across the street were bustling in and out in and out, must of been on five trips while it rained. Tucson rain gets us all out of whack but I love that Tucsonans get so excited about it, we all know it's such a special moment and it's so important for our desert.

Now that the rain as arrived I'm hoping Emory will follow suite. I can't wait to meet my little guy. I feel so strongly in my heart that I am fulfilling one of my life's duties. I was meant to be a mom.

I decided to stop working today. The thought of wearing shoes and white chef jacket over my clothes made me want to cry. Seriously, I'm in a fragile state. Wearing clothes is torturous. I'm actually naked right now, it's the only way to feel some sort of relief. Kenneth and my Mom both think I should still be working. I really wish I didn't have the guilt about taking my time off before the baby so I wish they were being supportive. Oh Emory, I hope you make your arrival soon my little one, Mommy's starting to become a not so awesome person as she normally is. I think I'm just going to try to focus my energy on his scrapbook today. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post soon.

And just because looking at pictures of bunnies and foxes makes me happy.

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute

I used to pray every night as a child growing up. I remember having terrible nightmares that scared the living begeezes out of me, so I would pray. After muttering my selfless prayers quickly through my mind, like God bless Mom, God bless Dad, and my brother and sister and aunts and uncles and cousins; then I would say my egocentric prayers like, and please don't let me have a bad dream. It seemed like God was listening, it usually worked. I even typed up a favorite prayer of mine and rolled it up like scroll and hid it inside my stuffed animal bunny I slept with. My Mom instilled a great faith in God in me. I hope she knows that. I have wandered off the path of religion. Mostly because I've been too busy for God or ventured down a route that turned my conscience into mush. I have also been put off by religions messy politics and contradictory messages. I’m not one for structure, authority, or rules, so having faith in one true religion just doesn’t make any sense to me. I do feel this strong urge to renew my relationship with God. I think what I learned as a child was that there was unseen love and comfort that I could just feel. I didn’t even need words or thoughts; I just closed my eyes and listened. There’s this immense beauty you can miss out on without faith. It’s indescribable. I guess it’s kind of like that game you play where you learn to trust people. When you trust in life and in God you can learn to let go and let yourself fall back knowing God believes in your strength and love will always surround you, but if you are weary then you will remain tense, standing straight with nowhere to fall and nowhere to land. This world is such a blessing, the people we meet and the experiences we share should be celebrated. I want to find my way back to simplicity. I want to teach my son about faith, love, and compassion. I want to listen to the trees, smile when I say I believe, dance when I face my fears, and laugh when I shed some tears. I just want to feel and spread some good lovin.

No baby yet. I think Emory and I are both totally ready for him to meet the world. Last night I felt his little wiggle butt all over the place, he just couldn't get comfortable. I feel ya little buddy.

I need to stay busy because I'm starting to go CRAZY! But it's also too damn hot to do anything productive.

I started Emory's scrapbook, I'll post pictures when I start completing pages.

I want to make this cake soooo bad

Yesterday was a rough day. Started out nice, had some much with Elise, got a couple things I needed. But then Kenneth and I went to my 36 weeks appt. I was really hoping that I would be dialated. Maybe just one cm. I cried on the way in to target. Kenneth held me and reminded me that Emory needs this extra time and that I'm doing such a great job and his arrival will be here before I know it. I just feel so uncomfortable, tired, fucking HOT, and a little depressed. Life seems so black and white right now. Nothing intrests me. I just want my little baby. This waiting is killing me.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I know I'm suppose to be relishing in these serene peaceful days. They will be the last days of my life with absolute freedom. If you told me a year ago that I would be having a baby I would have shit my pants. Now I just can't take the anticipation any more. Let's go Emory, let's go Emory. I'm scared it's going to huuuuuuuuuuurt, but I've been mentally preparing.

The baby shower was awesome! I really did well considering I'm the most socially awkward person ever! I have suuuuuuch amazing friends and family, and seriously the best Mom ever. I fucking love my mom so so much, I hope I can be as good as a mom as she is. My favorite gifts; Hand made diaper bag, it's so stylish and rad, bottle cleaner, so handy dandy, cloth diapers, and breast pump accessories.

Alright baby, Mommy just has to get her car cleaned and buy the car seat and we are ready for you. Daddy and Mommy are going to be crying tears of joy when you arrive we have so much love to give you. And there's lots of people who can't wait to see the cuteness you are about to radiate. Lovey love love you my little love bug!

June is our month. Every year we celebrate another year getting older and we take a photobooth picture. I haven't even talked to Michelle this month. I'm depressed. I heard through the grape vine she's coming to my baby shower but I haven't actually heard from her. What the hey!

After another sleepless night of tossing and turing, pacing around the house, trying to sleep in my recliner, I decided to look up why I was having such bad heart burn. The day before I was so afraid to eat I hardly ate anything at all. I guess my preggo hormones are relaxing my sphincter and allow all my digestive juices back up my esophagus. Also it could be that the uterus is pressing against my esophageal area. It's all super uncomfy/painful. I'm tired and I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I did come across an interesting little article relating heart burn to newborn hair. John Hopkins did a study that showed 82 % of women polled who had moderate to severe heartburn gave birth to babies with extra-thick hair, and 83% of the women with no heart burn symptoms gave birth to babies with little or no hair at all. The same hormone that relaxes my sphincter also promotes hair growth. Emory might be coming out with a full head of hair!

Oh man oh man I miss my man. He only left at the crack of dawn this morning but I am truley longing for him. Even though he drives me absolutely nuts sometimes, I'm realizing that I love his pokes and bad jokes and too forward hands and his butt crack and devilish grin. He's my bestest friend and I'm lonely with out him.

I really feel the urge to be nesting, but the act of actually doing anything seems far too much for me to handle. I need something to get me off my fat preggo butt and start cleaning, too bad I can't drink coffee.

I had a dream about Emory last night, it was a bit horrifying and I'm not even sure I want to write the details because it disturbed me so much. Kenneth and I need to be working on our hypnobirthing more so I can ease some of my fears.

Baby shower is coming up in about two weeks, I'm so excited. Mostly to chow down on some awesome mexican food and visit was some good friends and family. Also, it will be my family's first chance to meet Kenneth.

I making buttons for my mom and kenneth's mom to be recognized as the grandmas. I think they might be a little over the top. Colors ususally protrude from my artwork like vomit. I just love colors so freaking much.

Kenneth and I are having a huge disagreement about diapers. Kenneth is very pro cloth diapers, and while I see his point on saving money and the environment, I can't help but feel a little weary. I do want to attempt using the cloth diapers, but I also feel it might be necessary to also have disposable on hand just in case. I added diapers on our registry and I don't know if I should take them off. If we don't end up using them, we can just take them back or donate them.

My mom was absolutely adorable as a kid. I'm working on converting slides into digital images and putting them together in a slide show for my Mom's side of the family. My grandparents had ten kids so there are probably over 100 slides and each one takes about 5 min to scan. It's a time consuming process. I'm hoping I can finish it up while I'm off of work with Emory.

I'm so happy working at my job. I hate rules and authority and schedules, so it's hard to find a job that suites me. I still have to adhere to a certain code of regulations but it's much more laid back then most places.Today my bosses wanted me on the panel to hire my new department boss. It feels pretty good to know that they respect my opinions enough to ask me what I think, even if it doesn't really matter. I ended up talking to them about my leave of abscence and they were completely supportive. It helps that I used to date the assistant store team leader, I know how to talk to him and joke with him with out getting all quite and lame. Turns out he's having a baby boy about a month before I'm due. We talk about baby stuff a lot, it's fun.

I've always felt a little immature for my age, or perhaps a little behind. My mom made me repeat the first grade because I would cry for her when she dropped me off. I had huge separation anxiety from my Mom, maybe I still do. I can't stand to be away from her. It was apparent that I was not ready for the big timing second grade. So, I grew up being a little bit older then the rest of the kids in my grade, never really giving it much thought or care. I was always the oldest one out of my friends, which meant I experienced life's momentous changes a little earlier than they did. I was the first one to have my period and I was suuuuuch a tomboy, and totally embarrassed that I didn't tell anyone, not even my Mom. I think I went a year or two without telling a soul. When my friends started talking about mother nature welcoming them to womanhood I was finally relieved to share that I too had been visited. Those little bitches didn't believe me. I found myself persuading them that I have been having my period for a long time now, only to come off sounding like a little pretentious know it all about blood gushing out of my vagina.
I was the first to get my license. It was pretty sweet. I was more than happy to pile in a bunch of fifteen and fourteen year old (God that sounds so young) juveniles in my car and gallivant around town. I ditched school. Went out on late night rides rediscovering the town in which I grew up in. I earned this amazing sense of freedom, my first taste of adulthood.
I was the first to turn 21 and hit the bar scene. This was not sweet. All my friends were too young. On my 21st birthday we hung out at my house. I bought a bunch of booze for a lot of unappreciative assholes and spent the night catering to my then boyfriend. I didn't really enjoy the perks of being 21 until everyone else caught up.
Now here I am again, the first one about to experience a momentous life changing event. I can't help but feel a little lonely. I wish there was someone ahead of me, or some one right here with me. I'm going to be giving birth to my son and all these feelings and emotions and bodily changes are hard to deal with on your own. I really can't see anyone going down preggo road any time soon, but I'll be the number one to help guide and support. This has been a long, scary, exciting, amazing, nerve wrecking, beautiful jouney. Ten more weeks to go eeeeeeeeeee.
Shout out to Elise. Thanks for being such an amazing support system. I need you like a baby needs a breast. You're my breast. Love you :)

I've been keeping journals for over 8 years and after I found out I was pregnant I haven't written in them once. You would think that the most momentous occasion in my life would bombard me with inspiration. I'm so saddened by my lack of documentation. I guess it's never too late to start. I've always needed my journal to break free, to really figure out who it is trapped in this body, and usually I would tend to write during my most depressed out breaks. Now I have never been happier in my entire life. Maybe it's my prego hormones, but I am absolutely in love with my life right now. The whole world could be crumbling down but as long as I have Kenneth and my little Bambino by my side I am spinning in a whirl wind of laughter and love. I made Kenneth tear up last night because we both talked about how lost we would be with out each other. It's true every day I fall more in love and realize how the universe has done some powerful colorful beautiful work in my life.

"Aidan what's that noise? Is that that freezer?"
"No, there's a bird stuck in the vent and it's flapping it's wings trying to get out."
"Shut up"
"No, serious, it is."
"Aidan, don't joke with me that freaks me out"
"Go listen, it's not coming from the freezer"
I go to the kitchen and open the freezer, the kid's right, it's not coming from the freezer.
"Dude, aidan I'm going to freak out, what is that?"
"It's a bird, maybe a mommy bird or a baby bird, it's stuck in there.
"I'm calling your dad."

I miss my sister.

I had a dream that Emory's arrival was a huge event. I was sailing into a banquet room, it was dark but colorful with hues of maroon, deep purple, and dark blue. It was full of all kinds of people I knew, and even people I didn't know very well. My mom's friends, my friends, people who have passed , people extremely dear to me. I just sailed on through in a little boat past everyone smiling and waving. Everyone was clapping and smiling and so excited for the labor process to begin. It was the happiest dream I've ever had. Totally small world Disneyland style. I think my hypnobirthing cds are really getting me into a positive place with this whole labor business.

There is nothing better than stripping down to barely nothing. Laying in bed with the fan directly on you, and not doing a damn thing.

I think I'm in the nesting phase. I woke up at 7:30 and started cleaning right away. I took all my clothes out of the babies room and put them in storage, I can't wear 90% of them any way and won't be able to, if at all, for awhile. I love seeing Emory's little baby clothes dangling from the closest.
I'm trying to get my car cleaned and prepared for baby arrival, which is a God damn hassle because instead of listening to my father, I avoided every precaution to keep my car in good running condition. My 2003 mistubishi lancer is a piece of shit. I have to get a window replaced, numerous repairs on the engine, the air conditioning fixed, and give the car a complete cleaning make over.
I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm getting to the point where the excitment of meeting Emory is over powering. I want him out right now, but I know we're both not ready yet.
I'm taking Aidan and his bestie to see How to Train Your Dragon this evening. I'm going to eat the shit out of some popcorn.

I love this show

All God's creatures fresh off the grill,
so c'mon down to Mr. Meaty, where friends meetee... meat!

I will never ever take my youthful and healthy body for granted again. All these aches and pains and perpetual discomfort make me feel like a severe elderly cripple. I'm going to start running after I have the baby. I remember this one time Alicia and I went out on a run together. We were both determined to out run each other, or as least keep up with each other. Best run of my life. Not to mention memorable for the black snake that crossed our path. We screamed like little girls and embraced each other for a hot second, laughed, pushed each other away and went back to running. That high after a really good work out is so euphoric, why can't it be as addicting as smokes or beer? I think it can be. I'm going to make it my new vice. I can't stand these changes in my body. I love my little guy in there but I hate what it's doing to my figure.

There was an earthquake in Tucson today. What the hell? I'm bummed I didn't feel it.

I'm starting to accept who I am lately. Not that I'm not open for changes or self improvement. I just think I was trying so hard to be something better than I am for so long. It's easier to just be okay with my faults. Like talking shit about people. Sometimes it just feels good to let it out because people can be really fucking annoying. Also, I'm irresponsible, like REALLY irresponsible. Like I'm probably the last person in the world to be having a baby irresponsible. But it's all good. I have a wonderful family and the most awesomest friends and if I could be judged on the people I have surrounding me in my life, I'd get a gold star and a one way ticket to heaven. I am blessed.

Going to eat this delish meal kenneths mom made me for easter now. num num num :)

Rabbits symbolized new life and rebirth in ancient Egypt.
They considered it a symbol of the moon as the moon determines the date of Easter. The Easter Bunny’s visit is based upon a German Legend. The legend goes that a poor woman decorated eggs for her children to find during a famine. At the moment they found them, they looked up to see a big bunny hopping away.

......very, very interesting. Seeing as how my sign is ruled by the moon and I have a mild obsession with bunnies.

Kenneth asked me the other day, "What is the first thing you're going to say to the baby." I haven't thought about it much, and I HATE planning things. I'm just going to be in the moment and let what ever happens or comes out be. "What about you?" I replied. "I'm going to say, Emory, go clean up your womb." Hahahahaha get it....womb. Cracks me up everytime I think about it.

I'm really mad at my friends. No one else wants to have a baby right now. Jeez guys. Thanks for nothing.

Being pregnant is like being in a club. You can go up and talk to other pregnant women and instantly start going on and on about your super uber personal issues and problems. There's an unspeakable bond that's shared because you know the trials and tribulations each other is facing. If I were better with words I could describe how insane this experience is. But I'm not, so all I can say is that, It's insane. Physically, mentally, emotionally. This is the most wild and beautiful trip I've ever taken. I feel a lot more confident as a pregnant women. Maybe these past few months have made me finally grow up a little bit. If I'm a Mom I have to be strong and assertive.

Today I came home from work aggravated and tired. I walked inside the house and the back door was open, I could see Kenneth relaxing and enjoying the cool evening breeze through the screen. Asia was pouncing around the yard scaring off kitty cats. It's an instant stress release to see my family. Kenneth did my laundry. All of it, and it was a lot. Then he made me dinner, again. I'm just really happy. We're going to be good parents. We have different ideas and ways of doing things but we love each other and respect each other and I when it comes down to it, we enjoying taking care of each other.

We ate dinner with Kenneths Mom, who conveniently is also our neighbor. She's pretty awesome, and I'm stoked she's Emory's Gma. It just made for a great close for the day.

Viscachas

Look how freakin cute he is! Those little arms tucked up so tight, almost hidden by that humongous roll of fat. This my friends, is not a bunny. In fact he's related to the chinchilla family, not the rabbit family. Little is known about this species that scatters about the desert lands of South America. He totally made my list of cutest animals of all time though.

I've always had a special place in my heart for Rod Stewart. I don't really like to talk about it.

Seriously though, when ever this song comes on at work I kinda get choked up.

May the good Lord be with you Down every road you roam And may sunshine and happiness surround you when you're far from home And may you grow to be proud Dignified and true And do unto others As you'd have done to you Be courageous and be brave And in my heart you'll always stay Forever Young, Forever Young Forever Young, Forever Young

This album is absolutely the most amazing mind blowing album of the year for me. I knew I always liked Bob Marley, but really listening to this album and appreciating the sound and lyrics takes it to a whole other level. Emory and I jammed out to this all day.

So-o, Africa unite: 'Cause the children (Africa unite) wanna come home. Africa unite: 'Cause we're moving right out of Babylon, yea, And we're grooving to our Father's land, yea-ea.

I incessantly worry about Emory's health. I know he is safe and warm, tucked away in my belly, but I just need to know that he's okay. I want him to take as much time as he needs to grow and mature in there, but it will be such a relief to hold his little body, and kiss his little cheeks, his tiny toes, his little feetsies, and squeeze his little chub chub, and hold his wittle hands. I'm thrilled to be a mama.

I've read that pregnant women have bizarre dreams. I'm not really sure how scientists have proven this theory. I've always had pretty weird and vivid dreams but this one.....this one was pretty damn weird.

I was at school and pulled Emory out of my backpack to nurse him. He was a popsicle. A green lime popsicle. I started to breast feed the popsicle then put him back in my backpack when he was done. Time must have past by and I realized I had forgotten to check back on Emory. When I looked back in my backpack he had melted. I was devestated and woke up feeling awful, like I was already a horrible mother. It was one of those dreams that feels sticky.