New Mother Thoughts

I'm feeling isolated from the outside world, okay, well not completely isolated, I keep up with the news and I know what's going on in the world, I just feel separate from it. Especially when it comes to my social life. I guess everyone is busy, school, work, I don't hear from friends as much. To be honest I think the surprise upon conceiving Emory caught me completely off guard and sometimes I still struggle with leaving behind a lifestyle where I was finally becoming a socialite. I was free no worries, no real responsibilities, and no obligations.

Although, I do find that lifestyle was a bit too toxic; I drank too much, smoked cigarettes, and spent money frivolously. In all honestly Emory is my little savior. I am the healthiest I have been in years. I guess I will always remember how easy it was to live in such a way but now I feel like I have something worth living for. I ADORE my son. I've been waking up with him every hour at night and nursing him while he suckles and waves his little hands in the air and restlessly wiggles his little fingers around my breast while he tries to fight off the sandman. I lay kisses on his little nose and he surrenders to the night and closes his eyes, slowly drifting to a sweet and soft slumber.

I am a total Mom. He's all I think about. I plan weekly meals and do weekly grocery shopping. I play raffi and sing nursery rhymes while I'm in the shower. We read Dr. Seuss and have tummy time. I bought Halloween decorations and plan on making every holiday as fun and special as possible.

Emz is asleep right now and just thinking about him I want to run in and kiss his wittle face and squeeeeeeze his chubbiness. But the view is about to be on and maybe I'll be able to catch a little bit of it before he wakes up.

We took Asia and Emory to Mt. Lemon yesterday. It was more of a trip for Asia than anyone else. We stopped at a creek so she could jump in and play, Kenneth ended up giving her a bit of a bath. She loves pouncing around in water and getting her feet wet.

We had a picnic in a beautiful grassy field. Emory was awake the whole time, he was so sweet and peaceful. I think he enjoyed the fresh mountain air.

I also really enjoyed nursing out in the open air. I'm so glad Kenneth got me out of the house. I'm becoming a recluse, but in a good way. I'm just enjoying my time with Emory soooo much. I wish I could be a stay at home Mom more than anything in the world. It's going to be so hard leaving my baby for more than a few hours. I'll probably cry my eyes out.

EEK

Emory was born Wednsday July 21st at 9:12 am. Eight hours of beautiful natural labor. I still can't believe I did it. Kenneth really guided me through all of it and I know it wouldn't have gone as well without his calm support. I met with God and immensed myself in a peaceful bright white light when the pain was so intense. It seriously feels like your going to die. Being mentally prepared is a must for natural labor. I'm glad I didn't let other peoples stories affect me. I'm going to be an advocate for natural child birth because it was seriously the most mind blowing experience one could ever have.

I love being a mom. I love only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep at night and hanging out with my little night owl just admiring how incredible he is. I love nursing him and listening to his slurps and gulps. I love squeezing his chunk rolls and kissing him all over. I love how he loves listening to his daddy talk. I love how asia is so gentle with him. I love my family.

The first monsoon storm came last night. Kenneth and I watched Wet Hot American Summer while the lightning dazzled and sparkled outside. The thunder began to roar as the lightning cracked its whip and slowly little droplets of rain could be heard on the window pane. As it picked up pace the rain began to wildly fall from the sky. We ran outside like little kids and marveled at the majestic beauty. Even Asia sat with us and smiled as we all let the rain mesmerize us with her beautiful arrival. The fireman across the street were bustling in and out in and out, must of been on five trips while it rained. Tucson rain gets us all out of whack but I love that Tucsonans get so excited about it, we all know it's such a special moment and it's so important for our desert.

Now that the rain as arrived I'm hoping Emory will follow suite. I can't wait to meet my little guy. I feel so strongly in my heart that I am fulfilling one of my life's duties. I was meant to be a mom.

I decided to stop working today. The thought of wearing shoes and white chef jacket over my clothes made me want to cry. Seriously, I'm in a fragile state. Wearing clothes is torturous. I'm actually naked right now, it's the only way to feel some sort of relief. Kenneth and my Mom both think I should still be working. I really wish I didn't have the guilt about taking my time off before the baby so I wish they were being supportive. Oh Emory, I hope you make your arrival soon my little one, Mommy's starting to become a not so awesome person as she normally is. I think I'm just going to try to focus my energy on his scrapbook today. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post soon.

And just because looking at pictures of bunnies and foxes makes me happy.

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute